Wave of Misfortune Baffles Investigators; Locals Blame College Basketball Player.



Is this man to blame?



Monroe County, IN - Local scientists and investigators have been looking into a string of unfortunate events that seem to center around Bloomington Indiana. A special task force has uncovered over 100 separate instances of the phenomenon around the county. These occurrences range from livestock deaths, motor vehicle accidents, to the bankruptcy of a local business. When questioned about the scope of the investigation chief Michael Diekhoff of the Bloomington Police shed some light. "We have reports of bad thing happening everywhere, vehicles not starting, outbreaks of influenza, food poisoning at a local diner. Old National Bank just reported they had over 50 ATM cards that just stopped working"

Initial reports from scientists researching these incidents find no common cause. "These appear to be completely random events," Explains Indiana University professor of cognitive science Colin Todd. "I don't see how anyone can conclude they are related." Not everyone in Bloomington shares Todd's opinion. A growing number of residents blame Indiana University Basketball player Verdell Jones for what has happened.

According to a local businessman, Woody Buck, his business has been plagued with staffing issues for the past month. "We've lost over 60% of our workforce in the first quarter alone. We're having turnover left and right," Explains Buck. "I have a gut feeling that Verdell is to blame. As An IU fan over the past four years, if there is one thing I've learned it’s that Verdell is always at fault." This growing sentiment was recently echoed on the airwaves as local radio personality and ESPN analyst Dan Dakich revealed on his radio broadcast that he too had been affected by Jones. "I nearly crashed my car today and it's Verdell Jones fault".

The speculation of Mr. Jones involvement seems to have been derived from a similar circumstance that occurred during a month long period in West Lafayette in early December.  Disgruntled Purdue basketball fans and message board posters through a collaborative effort were able to prove that basketball center Travis Carroll was the root cause for three seemingly unrelated events.  Those events included a second half collapse in a game versus Xavier University, the commitment of top 25 recruit Gary Harris to rival Michigan State, and a car full of missionaries from Calvary Baptist Church sliding off state road 26.

A local patron Joseph Bobby addressed a crowd that gathered outside Kilroy's Sports Bar after a recent Indiana loss to Wisconsin. "If Travis Carroll can cause that kind of fallout in West Lafayette," exclaimed Bobby, "certainly Verdell Jones should be a person of interest in the investigation."

The investigation is ongoing and anyone with further information on this matter may call the IU special task force at 1-800-BLAME-VJ.